Sometimes when we reach a goal, we don’t feel satisfied. One possible reason could be that these goals are not ours. Did we want to go to this particular university, or, for example, to become a lawyer? Or is it something our parents, friends, social media, and pop culture imposed on us? How do we know which goals are really ours?
What Is a Goal
A goal is an ultimate imaginary result that we are going toward through some process. It follows that a goal can be invented, constructed, seen, or wanted.
Since the goal is an imaginary object, it may not be ours. We can imagine something we have seen from someone else and even then forget about it. That is, the goal will escape from the focus of our attention into the unconscious and affect the process of achieving it or not achieving it. And the second happens for a variety of reasons.
Why the Goal May Not Be Yours
We are born with a fairly simple psyche: we have a temperament and intrauterine developmental memory, and also a certain biochemistry, that is, a concentration of neurotransmitters and hormones. After birth, the psyche continues to be shaped by what surrounds us. We absorb everything into ourselves almost uncensored, because we aren’t yet able to comprehend what is happening. This is how the defense mechanism of the psyche, introjection, works.
That’s why it’s so difficult to access traumatic events that happened before the child mastered speech: what traumatized has not yet been named
By unconsciously copying our parents’ behavior, we appropriate their desires, attitudes, and goals. Parents are our authority; we cannot survive without them. To question this is to alienate ourselves, which is impossible in early childhood. If parents use rejection as an educational measure, the child is even more afraid of losing them. At the same time, the parents’ goals and desires may also be alien. This is the first reason to doubt the truth of one’s goals.
The second is formed when the child has learned to say and analyze, “I will do so that my relationship with my parents will improve.” That is, the child’s goal is to normalize the parent’s relationship to himself, for example, through trying to please.
And it happens that the parent “knows better” what the child needs. Therefore, does not notice his needs and desires, and doesn’t support his curiosity. Expects the child to do what the parent wants. More precisely, more often that did not work out with parents – then the child for mom goes to solfeggio, for dad – to practice, for his grandmother – to waltz. This is called narcissistic expansion, which means that the parent doesn’t see the child as a separate person, but rather as an extension of himself. Therefore, the child realizes what the parents themselves desired, and isn’t free to satisfy their own needs.
What Are the Dangers of Imposed Goals
Parents’ introjects and desires may coincide with our true goals, but this is rare. Usually a co-dependent scenario works, which does not allow us to achieve the parental goal: once it’s achieved, the connection with parents can be lost.
For example, parents have insisted since childhood that the child go to medical school. Constantly motivated to do this, forced to learn biology and chemistry at school, perhaps even did their homework together with the child. That is, in this way paid attention and interacted with the child. In order to maintain this attention, and hence the connection with his parents, the child may refuse to go to college. The graduate may unconsciously think, “Once I get into college, we won’t communicate as closely, and that can be painful.” If he or she gets in, it may be hard to study and the desire to work as a doctor may never appear. Because the goal of becoming a doctor isn’t a child’s need; it’s only needed to maintain the illusion of a relationship with his parents.
Another addiction scenario could be called “I’ll freeze my ears off to spite my mother.” It works on the same principle, but here the merger takes place with a figure of a bad mother.
In these scenarios, the parent can be anyone, as well as a substitute figure, any close person. The function to listen to itself and its desires, to be curious in such situations in the child is atrophied.
Why We Appropriate Other People’s Goals
We are social by nature and want to be recognized in society. It’s one of our basic needs. It can be denied, but it’s usually done by people who have experienced failure and painful experiences of rejection. To be accepted, we can take someone else’s goal and keep it as our own. Or be seduced by someone else’s result or image: “A successful and happy person did this, so if I do the same thing, I’ll become like that too.” But to achieve this goal, we may not have enough resources, money, education or status. And – the desire, because this image is imposed, and the inner need is different.
What Is the Difference Between a Goal and a Dream
Sometimes we confuse the goal and the dream. The goal should be specific, outlined and have boundaries. A dream is most often an introject or a fiction that serves as a comfort. In terms of Gestalt therapy, we are in fusion with this introject, dependent on the dream.
With any failure, we can always go back to the dream and think about it. Most likely, everyone has one: an apartment, a partner, a jackpot at https://bloodsuckersplay.com/, a house on the sea, moving to another country. And often you can’t achieve it year after year.
But the dream can be turned into a goal – outline its boundaries, break it into subgoals, to enjoy the small steps, gradually moving towards the end result
Or you can give up the dream – through the realization that it isn’t needed or that there are no resources to realize it.
How to Learn to Hear Yourself
We can make a chain of sequences: basic need, desire, goal. If we can identify and relate to each other, and the goal itself responds to us, then there is a good chance that it’s real and achievable. So it can be related to our resources and capabilities and broken down into steps or subgoals. It’s helpful not to be intimidated by a big goal, which requires a lot more time and resources. Small goals give us a sense of satisfaction and appropriation of the results achieved. And this brings us closer to reality and gives us a footing.
If the goal is chronically unattainable, you can trace the path from goal to basic need. For example, John wants to become the head of a large company. What for? To have power, freedom, a certain circle of communication, travel the world, get respect, many partners, recognition? If you take apart the desire, you can see what need John wants to satisfy and whether this desire can satisfy it. Only by realizing this can one set a goal, and then break it down into stages.
Otherwise, it happens that with a red sports car, a man wants many sexual partners. He needs them for recognition among men, and then the man sets a goal to buy this car. But once he buys it, he doesn’t get satisfaction because it’s men, not the number of partners and the red sports car, that can give male recognition. Not getting satisfaction from set goals, we can gradually lose taste for life, get angry and burn out, which can lead to depression. That’s why it’s important to be aware of what we want and why we want it.
If you focus too much on the goal in the future, you can stop enjoying the present. And when we get to the goal, we may no longer need it.
It helps discover one’s own needs, desires and goals through reflection and heightened sensitivity to oneself, one’s feelings and emotions. This can be learned in psychotherapy. Our psyche is formed in childhood through interaction with other people. And throughout life it can change – also through interaction with other people.
